Ball of Confusion

What was the hardest personal goal you’ve set for yourself?

Lately I’ve been acutely aware of my timeline: where I’ve been and where I’m headed. The frame is so small when I step back far enough to look at the span of my life. Small and sparse. I thought I’d be more accomplished by now, or at least have more experiences under my belt. More tales to tell.

Alas, there are no new tales to tell <insert rest / repeat>. Certainly not enough old ones to fill a book. I asked my 90-year-old dad where I go from here. He told me to write a book about my life. The problem is that much of what would go in that book is not shareable,.

I have a reputation to uphold.

He also said that the book didn’t have to be about my life but of some made up one, which is interesting because I would have to make much of mine up to fill the gaps between the acceptable moments. He appears to know more about me than I thought.

School wasn’t terribly hard, so that doesn’t count as a particularly difficult goal. I enjoyed pushing a lot of weight when I had a trainer, so that wasn’t difficult in a psychological sense. Physically, yeah, but I was so motivated by the idea of pushing more that I didn’t feel each personal record to be something nearly insurmountable, which is what I interpret “the hardest personal goal” to be.

I’ve experienced awful, difficult things, and I suppose I set a goal to overcome them. But those sorts of things are not a choice to overcome, hence not really a goal to reach. I guess I could have given up. That’s a choice. But I didn’t see it that way. It was sink or swim. Survival was not only instinctive but necessary.

My greatest goal is likely ahead of me. What do I do with my life now that my kids are raised? Teach? That’s it? Teaching is a lot, I know. It’s a noble profession. I know, I know. But I need something more, and I need that thing to be meaningful.

I thought this would be a semi easy prompt to answer.

Turns out I can’t answer it at all.