One of the things I dislike about my condition (and there are many things to dislike about my condition) is the certainty of judgment cast by those in the know, as innocent of intention they may be. Call it stigma, call it preconceptions or even experience that causes disenchantment. The mystery that could cast a spell is tainted with doubt of senility. But it’s all quite silly. Everyone has some level of genius and madness. For that, no one is free from judgement.
.
The last couple of days have teased my mind with a thought that came together this evening as I lay here staving off anxiety.
.
Many things have come to a head recently with many people in my life. Their situations are beyond my scope of understanding outside of the empathy I feel. Three people have admitted to thoughts of suicide. And I keep just enough distance to be present while guarding myself from spiraling with them. I am standoffish at times because I have to be. Because in the midst of their troubles my own surface, though some faintly. I thought to myself tonight that I have a lot to work on. But then that thing that has been tapping on the door to my mind entered and made itself clear as day. I don’t have to work on anything because I gave it up to God a long time ago. What I mean is that I spoke the words, only I didn’t really do it. I don’t have to work on anything while I keep my eyes on him. I understand that now, and I’m practicing. Sounds like avoidance to me. Sounds like a lot of things I learned while getting that counseling degree I never used. Sounds like a lot of things it isn’t.
Regarding my mental state, I’m in good company. Many people I admire are or were as afflicted as I am. Madness has its benefits.
I cannot in anyway put in a good light the physiological effects that my current situations have caused, however. Anxiety, for one. I’m tense and restless. My heart races. I can pinpoint several catalysts, all of which will pass. I’m grateful they are temporary.
I sure could use a Vicodin, though.
Another Writer, Another Blog 
You are delightful, lovable and have a lot to give! It’s wonderful you know Who the One Who made you unique and is your source.
Thanking Him for you.
❤️Michele
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Thank you for the encouragement, Michele. It’s nice to know a fellow human thinks I am delightful. I like to think so.
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Wait… counseling degree? You keep suprising me. First Africa, now this. Makes me wonder how many more such tidbits you have tucked away.
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I’m like Mary Poppins’ carpet purse.
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You know, I never thought of these things as being a big deal, but maybe I guess they were, but only because most people don’t do a whole lot. Or they do. I dunno. You’re making me wonder whether I have more to tell in a book than I thought. When I think of amazing things to tell, I think of all the things I shouldn’t have been doing. Really amazing stories. And I can’t put those in a book until I’m 100 years old when people won’t judge me so much ‘cause I’m about gone. I live for a life of stories, you know. I crave it. Maybe because anything less than what I have lived would make me feel like I’m not alive at all.
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That is some heavy stuff right there. I think we don’t give ourselves enough credit sometimes for what we’ve done, and also haven’t done. We see ourselves through our own eyes, and our own insecurities. But rarely do we step outside of ourselves and see ourselves through the eyes of others. That’s not always easy to do, but when we can do it, well, that’s something. That’s freedom. And someitmes, if only for just a second, we can see ourselves as being pretty fucking awesome. Give it a go.
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You are quite the motivator. I needed to hear that.
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